Sometimes I am SO TIRED of motherhood. I look at the clock when it’s time for my kids to return from school and I want to lock myself up in a room where they won’t find me. And there are days when I’m so glad when someone offers to take them for a couple of hours and hope I get sick in the meantime so I won’t have to pick them up so soon. Then I turn on the TV and see some ad showing a chirpy, smiling mother in full make-up and perfect hair at suppertime, her two boys joyfully stuffing themselves with canned green beans and corn. And there I am, hair all messy held up in one of my daughter’s Dora clips, looking like a panda with my smudged left-over make-up from the morning, at the edge of sanity as I try to stop Eva hitting Kieran with a DVD box, Kieran turning Eva into a goat with his Harry Potter magic wand (which is why she is hitting him), and Tristan thinking the toilet bowl is the perfect hiding place for all his favourite toys.
Oh and this is happening while I’m trying to convince them to eat salmon and spinach, instead of chicken nuggets or cold pasta “with only cheese” yet again, and while on the phone with my mother who has a problem with me never returning her calls because I’m too busy.
When they are finally all asleep against their will, I get some time for myself and a glass of wine later I ask myself… where are the normal mothers?? Take a look around at the images of mothers we see: they are either portrayed as a picture of perfection – serene, happily married to equally perfect husbands, never raising their voices, balancing bouncy smiling compliant kids on their high heels and fashionable business suits – or else they are pitiful mental cases that abuse their kids and deserve to be taken out of society. And I wonder, is there no midway between the fairy godmother and the wicked witch? Who is feeding us this myth of perfection and why are we – normally intelligent, thinking, creative women – falling for it?
Even when talking to other women we find it so difficult to admit that, in spite of our good intentions, sometimes we fail. We paint a lovely picture and even if we let it slip that we smacked those 5-year-old lips after they screamed “I hate you!” at us – we do it with a smile, downplaying the real impact of the comment which shot through our heart and fired all our buttons. We laugh it off, wanting/needing to appear in control in front of the other mums because after all we’re sure they never did anything like this and how would we be judged if we are not-so-perfect?!?
When we buy into the myth of perfection and do not share our real stories, all we are doing is perpetuating the myth and helping other mums build their own impossible-to-achieve standards. We are passing on to our children the idea that mistakes are shameful instead of an opportunity to learn and grow. My mother would argue, “we wash our dirty laundry at home” but by keeping that same analogy, how would I know how to take off that red wine stain all over my brand new sofa if I don’t tell anyone I spilled it in the first place?
So here it is – at the risk of having a social worker at my door dragging my much-loved kids into custody – here is my confession: there are days when I am a baaad mother. A wicked witch. A fire-breathing dragon. A time bomb ready to explode if one more cheerios lands on the floor… and it’snot even 8am yet. There are days when I look at the mess in my house, the garbage full of nappies, the toilet full of toys, the trucks and balls and oh-not-another-princess strewn in the corridor like war mines conspiring to trip me over my face, and I wonder… why did I not use 5 condoms on top of each other?!? Evenings when I’m looking for a pair of heels in my shoe closet and wonder when exactly was my closet sieged by tiny stinky sneakers and fluffy glittery slippers and High School Musical shoes and bags and where are my heels anyway and maybe I just shouldn’t go out at all because by now my mood is ruined.
There are times when I’m on the beach looking at perfect bodies of calm non-parents laughing (probably at me) and sipping wine while I’m negotiating actions-and-consequences in an attempt to stop a sand-flinging fight while juggling my 16-month-old who is obsessed with my breasts with a passion previously exhibited by adult men. And I scream at the top of my voice (no wonder they’re laughing at me…) for everyone to be quiet or we’re leaving!!
I’m not saying I’m proud of my feelings and actions but hey, it’s the reality. At least these situations give me plenty of topics to discuss with my kids when I’m feeling more sane, when we talk about how I lost it and how I could have done it differently. Not that I will necessarily do it differently the next two or three or even five times it happens, but at least it will hopefully teach them that it’s OK to screw up sometimes, and that we can always talk about it afterwards and feel close again.
Now I just hope that you won’t all leave me hanging here alone, and that some of you will respond with your own stories of imperfection so that when it’s all over, we can paint an honest picture of parenthood today!
hey syl, you seem to have been reading my thoughts lately. i am so fed up with this picture perfect mother thing and i think it’s just being plain bitchy to each other. since i became a mother i have learnt never ever to judge a parent. we’re all doing the very best we can and yes, sometimes it’s barely decent. sometimes i get tired just throwing my own tantrums and i know i sound like a lunatic as i scream for one of my twins to get out of the toilet bowl while the other one is pointing the shower allover the bathroom! in the meantime my husband keeps his cool, always and everwhere, asking why there’s no cold water left in the fridge and insisting on taking pictures of our daughter in the toilet to put on facebook! yes indeed syl, we all freak out at times and it’s never pretty. but we love those little kids more than life itself and maybe that’s why we get so tired. we’re spread too thin for them and we kkep pushing ourselves as far as we can, and sometimes maybe we think we can but we really can’t, not that far anyway. i just had one such week. i was scared out of my mind that one of my kids would seriously hurt herself with their adventerous stunts and at that point i get confused. i’m not sure of everything i learnt anymore. what do u do when your two year old runs out of a shop and runs across the street and the other two year old runs the other way? do u really stay calm and ask them to be good because that’s not the way we should behave outside? and then discuss their behaviour and see what they think about it? Let me tell u, if i saw a mother behave that way i would think she is at least high on weed or something. When that hapenned to me i freaked out big time. i didn’t know where to run first and what to do once i caught them both! i wanted to shout some sense into them and cry with relief at the same time.
I will never say i’m a bad mother because i’m not. i love my kids and i know for sure that nobody would be a better mother to them than i. God knows how i love to just stare at their beautiful faces when everything is calm, how i enjoy them, and yes, i love to balance both of them wearing my highest stilettos, but that’s not all there is to motherhood. we are human beings and we are raising human beings. none of us are divine. i am just doing my best and that’s all i want for them, to be their very best. i want to teach them to allow themselves some mistakes as long as they learn from them and move on. and one other thing i want them to learn is to forgive themselves.
none of us are perfect and it’s a big sin to pretend we are. none of us will gain anything from that, least of all our children. the facade we’re creating is setting up impossible standards for them too.
Well done Syl. Excellent article.
I still remember the conversation we once had some months ago when I shouted for the first (and till now the last) time with my few month old child. I remember I felt so bad. I felt I was a very bad father. I spent hours crying. However, you had highlighted the good qualities I have and told me that no parent can be a perfect parent. You also told me that if a child had the ‘perfect’ parents, he/she would end up at a shrink when they are still teenagers.
Today, I will tell you the same things you had told me. I believe that between the fairy godmother and the wicked witch, there are the ‘normal’ mothers and ‘normal’ dads who love their children more than anything, but who unfortunately, sometimes screw up.
Dear Sylvana,
I simpatize with you and understand fully how you feel…. i too can’t understand how other people’s kids are so well behaved and the mothers look like supermodels whilst my kids are always running around breaking stuff and always up to something and I look a monster….
However I prefer it to be this way because that means I’m always there for my kids, I’m there when they cry and when they smile and that smile means a real lot … it melts my heart….
I can live without blowdrying my hair and putting on makeup however I can’t live without my kids who mean the world to me.
Hi
Join the club…sometimes I feel like going out of the door and just walk out.. my three are the same ages as yours and I know exactly how you feel.
I have no time for myself and that makes me feel bad. I don’t have enough time to spend with the kids cause I have a full time job. This makes me feel GUILTY. The little time I have has to be shared between the three of them and it is simply not enough. When my partner suggests going out I am secretly dismayed… going out for a meal with three kids under six is a nightmare.
Not even the loo or shower is sacred. I always and I mean ALWAYS have someone banging on the door!!!! I get sooooooooo stressed out. It is very difficult.
Can I ask something of the mothers out there? How come all the kids I see are all spruced up and look like little princesses while mine end up like little ragamuffins before they go out of the door?? No matter how tight I make their pony tails they always manage to mess up their hair and their clothes!!
Sometimes I feel like a sargent major barking out orders to my troop… eat your food , pick that up, stop hitting your sister, don’t argue with me… the orders are endless. Then I look at their little naughty faces and a thought hits me …. they are only kids for goodness sake. So what if the house is in a perpetual mess? So what if everything tumbles out of the wardrobe as soon as you open its door? These and MY kids, I brought them into this world and it is my duty to look after them as well as I can and most of all to give them all my love.
Take care and keep up the good work.
I know the feeling even if my only experience is a 7 month old… and yet at times I just wish to be left alone snf ehrn hr cries i dont want to go for him and when he tugs my hair i feel like an exploson is going to happen but them like i am sure we all do, we sigh take a deep breath and carry on soothing after the initial outburst
we are not bad mothers we are humans that sometimes fail no matter how good our intention is…
No, I will not leave you alone on this topic, because if we have not been there we are not mothers in the first place!!!
There are times when patience does run out and not even that bar of chocolate left in the fridge for “those” occasions does it. When I find myself huffing and puffing with such ferocity (and this seems to frighten only myself) that I do not recognise myself anymore. I look in the mirror and see a total mess of a woman, and feel so shabby that it is very easy to avoid going out as much as possible. Days when, after collecting the umpteenth toy from the floor, the leftover food strewn over my best carpet and sofa, removed sticky fingers proudly displayed on the walls….. ooh!!! how I need a holiday.
But then, I pick up my 13month old and his sticky kiss makes it all better (shouldn’t this be the other way round). Or when my 4year old asks me sweetly if I would care to join in his play…. just when I still have all the washing up from the day before still in the sink.
What the heck, I’m not perfect and never will be. But my children are happy children (even with a dragon mum like me) and they seem to think I’m perfect anyway.
After having waited 11 years for my first-born, I can sincerely say this is heaven….. and good-riddance to perfection!
Hi Sylvana,
And I thought it was only me who was going through a rough time, trying to do the best I can to raise my four kids with no such luck.
I think I’m worse than you, sometimes I feel like going away from it all but it’s easier said than done so I’m stuck as you in this situation.
Last week I needed to buy an outfit for a wedding for last Saturday, and of course I had the children with me. Everyone could have found me, one child was crying for me to hold her, the other who usually sits in the pushchair was crying for me to hold her too, and with all the heat, I don’t feel like lifting anyone of them. The older child of 11 was huffing and puffing and moaning, since now it’s the end of season sale and out of the many outfits we saw and tried, nothing seemed either to fit right or to look good on me.
The heat we are living in makes us and more than us our children vulnerable and that doesn’t help at all. Having the older children of 13 and almost 12 helps but has her negativity too. They have their own activities and their own stuff to do. I too feel that it is best when they are with someone enjoying themselves at the beach rather than having them all at home because then it leaves me with only two.
The only thing that keeps me going on is that I love them more than myself which I think is not so good these days since I’m not always rewarded. I know you don’t love to be loved back, but sometimes the comments of the older children hurt so much, I feel like having failed in loving them. Sometimes they make my world but sometimes they make me feel invisible and useless. Nonetheless, I keep loving them madly and pray the Lord that one day they’ll understand how much I love them and how many sacrifices we parents go through to bring them up the best we can.
Keep loving them and keep praying the Lord with me so we can bring them up loving us by what we teach them.
Hi Syl,
I totally agree with you. We’re constantly bombarded with comments about positive reinforcement and NO punishments and i too feel that i’m a failure at times. I periodically gave up work to have more time for my kids, but can’t help feeling that sense of guilt at tiems that i’m not doing like many other mummies – that is, coping with work and kids. i see other ‘perfect mummies’ and well behaved children and wonder whether after all i did the right choice…. Thanks, your comments encourage me to realise that we’re all in the same boat, and we must all admit that we’re only humans and that we may at times lose our temper. I love my kids more than anything in the world but must admit that i’m not perfect and that occasionally there’s a limit to my patience.. and as you said, i also try to discuss with them why at times i go into ‘wild’ mode after the limit is exceeded!
Hi Syl and all,
I have read some of these articles with amusement and relief that: oh wow, so there are mothers out there who are just like me. I say some of the articles and not all because my 2 yr old is pushing her car on the keyboard and urging me to get up and go play. So, I am not the only one who loses it and screams…? and of course feel so bad after, and I promise I won’t do it again, and I forget that promise so easily yet again. And what about the immense guilt and pain when I look into that face that looks just like mine, full of hurt that mama is screaming at her because she threw a full toilet roll in the toilet for the 3rd time this morning. And why does her dad and my friend manage to remain so calm with the kids while all I seem to be doing is scream and bark orders! What about that time when I just wish I don’t hear the word mama yet again and then feel so horribly bad when i think of the people who would love to hear their children call them mama and papa but can’t. The list is endless and I could go on all day but my 2 year old has now managed to almost undressed me because she is tugging so hard for me to go play and to tell me that her baby sister is screaming again!
Hi Sylvana
I completely understand you and sympatize with you. My daughter is 18 months old now. When she was 3 months old I returned to work and I felt really guilty for this. I used to cry even at work as I could not tollerate the fact that I left her behind.If I had the chance, I would have even bought leave days to stay with her. I used to wake her up on my return home if I find her asleep so I can play a little with her. Time passed by and this phase passed. Now I try to tip toe and remain speach less in order not to wake her up. I sometimes even think of taking her for 3 hrs nursery daily when I’m at home in order to have some time for me to do some house work and everything. But I say to myself, am I crazy? When she was young I suffered from a depression of leaving her behind, now I want to take her to a nursery???
Uptil today, I still did not register her anywhere as I do not have enough courage to take her away from me while I’m home. I am really confused and I feel time is limited to divided between a baby, and eight year old girl, a full time job, a husband and a house to clean. Anyway I now feel better as I know that I’m not the only one on this planet who feels like that!
have u hit a nerve syl with this blog!
Hi Sylvana,
Good Job! Well that’s how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I think Im crazy yelling with my 3 kids, trying to establish some control!!! I always feel a mess, and when we’re going out, I’m the one they’r waiting for, as my husband points that out clearly! and says that I’m always never ready on time, but he doesn’t give a shit that I had to prepare 3 kids the last one only 5 mths old! But all the same after some shouting and crying etc…, I love to be there for my kids:) I don’t think the perfect mother exists and I’m happy to know that out there are mothers and fathers that feel the way I do, Cheers:)
Not having a perfect body or wearing no makeup, does not make us bad mothers!! Quality time is what makes us good mothers. Society around us makes us feel “bad”: guilty if we work, guilty if we send them to play schools, guilty without an opportunity of explaining! An then giving an explanation for what?? why do we have to justify ourselves for? We work because it gives us an identity beyond motherhood and housework! We send them to playschools because they can interact and develop all their skills 360. We do it because they are our children and we always do what is best for them!! If we do something because it makes us feel better…..who are we harming?? We are just gaining some extra benefits for our kids in return. We can’t fall under the pressure of society!! The minute you stop to think if or if not you are a good mother…well you are the BEST. You are evaluating what you are doing and your outcomes!!
Stop looking at the Mulino Bianco ad and keep it real we are human after all. God bless you all in the toughest task of all: PARENTHOOD
Dear Sylvana (and belly dancing teacher of mine!),
i came on your interesting article by chance while browsing the ‘belly dancing sites’ and it came as a surprise for me because let me tell you this:i am relieved you seem to lose it sometimes, like other mortals, because from meeting you at belly dancing, beautiful, confident, organised, exulting energy with that amazing smile of yours and your little ones around… i could not help myself thinking you were some kind of ‘superwoman’ who manages to keep up with everything and untertain others!! OK it seems that you have your bad days too… and just the fact that you have the guts to admit so plainly and inspire other women.. i say YES, you are superwoman indeed!
Isabelle
Hi! It’s joanna again! I read the last comments made by ms. Isabelle and can’t help but smile because i feel that she has completely read my thoughts! To me, you are one of the women that i look at and feel ‘envious’ of with thoughts like “but how does she do it?… how does she manage?.God Bless!..” crossing through my head. You encourage me and other women with your ‘confession’ and I thank you for this. yes you are truly inspirational. keep it up!
So true Sylvana,
I feel so much better reading this today of all days. As I write my kids are at my parents cause Mommy needed a time out! Today was ‘one of those days’ but lately it seems that everyday is one of those days. Today my son decided to ‘eat’ everything. He started with the styrofoam of my daughters booster seat which I brought in to wash since it was covered in chocolate, then (after calm, by the book, 3 minute time out) he continued on to bite and tear the handles of my cross trainer. Well at least someone went on it.
I find myself exhausted and frazzled by 10am. At which time I realize I haven’t washed my face -or even looked at my face for that matter let alone brushed my teeth… Yuck. I often realize what a state I’m in AFTER the postman has come with a package, or I ran out in the street with my pink slippers after the gas guy. I think that all mothers just need to acknowledge that being a mother is not easy and we need to talk about the crazy things our kids are doing so that we can feel better that we are not alone. Rather than putting up a facade that everything is peachy at home with the little ones.
Thanks Sylvana. Keep it up. I hope to see you at one of the lessons soon:)
Confessions of a Hyperactive toddler.
Hi syl, I am not a mother but I’m a daughter and an aunt. I just like to give you all some of my perspective from a daughters side. My mother and father where like you all and I got quite a few spankings when i was younger, where my parents abusive defently not, did I deserve them defenitly yes, running away from home at the age of 4 my mother having a panick attack and on the verge of a heart attack trying to look for me, and then after some hours finding me at a neighbours house eating ice cream, I wonder how she didn’t kill me. I have great parents yes they made mistakes because like all of you they are humanbeings. But till this day I am 26 years old, and know my parents love me to death they were always there for me in good times and in bad times. I can speak to them about anything. My father worked hard for us so we didn’t get to spend much time but it was all for me and my sisters. And I wouldn’t want to have it any other way because to me they are the best parents in the world. They did their best and they gave me all their love and support. Yes there were times when I said hurthful things to them and i will regret those words till the day I die because they didn’t deserve them. I think it’s a phase we have to go through. And there will come a day when you grow old and your daughters / sons will become parents and when they complain about what their children are doing to them you will smile and say you were worst you use to do this and this. And they will smile back because with your love and imperfections they turned out to be more than ok they turned out great. So stop feeling bad about yourselves it’s better to be there for your children and make mistakes. Than for your children to grow up and say my mother looked always so smart and beautiful but i don’t know her very well however my babysitter was great she was like a mother to me.
Good luck to you all and keep up the good work especially you syl.
I cannot say that i am happy about the situation we are talking about but i am sure glad that i am not the only one cause i thought that i was losing my mind. I love my 4 year old with all my heart but i can’t help myself from screaming and cursing too. I am so ashamed of myself when everything is over but at that moment i just can’t help it. I feel worse when i hear someone say that they heard a woman screaming and cursing at her children and how sorry she is for that child. I used to feel the same but now i can understand the screaming woman much more because i am like her. It is nice to know that you mean the world to that child but it is also frustrating when someone depends 100% from you and you cannot have a moment on your own. When i see my child sleeping, so calm and beautiful i thank the Lord and cry again for my mistakes, which i sadly know that i will repeat again. Thank you all for sharing your problems here. I guess that in the end we are all ‘good’ mothers who love our children more than our own life.